Moving to Arizona
Is a Terrible Idea
Considering a move to the Valley of the Sun? Here's what you need to know.
15 Moving to Arizona Pros and Cons
If you're looking for a new state and a fresh start, keep looking. Arizona is not the place for you. It's one of the 50 worst states to live in in the entire United States. Here are just a few of the reasons why no one should ever move to Arizona.
The 15 Reasons
Weather
Everybody knows it's hot here — 115 degree days in the summer — but that's not the worst of it. I mean, we all have swimming pools, right? The worst weather in Arizona happens in the winter. It's freezing here with daily highs of 65 degrees throughout the metro Phoenix area. That's practically hypothermia country. Do we even need to mention monsoon season or haboobs? Hee hee, haboobs.
Desert
In case you didn't already know, it's the real desert out here. It's so bad, we have to make our own lakes. And although we have one of the lowest annual rainfalls in the country, we've become known for the most boats per capita in the US. Who wants to live in a place where everybody owns a boat?
Events
Here in the desert there is not a lot to do — we just sit next to the air conditioner and drink gallons of water all day long. But on occasion we do go out. There's not a lot going on though — just a few PGA tours or spring training baseball games. Maybe the Fiesta Bowl or even the Super Bowl. A quick trip to the Grand Canyon a few times, or make it a Broadway theater date night. There's really no downtime as you'll never be stuck indoors — you'll have to settle for fun outdoors with endless activities, events, and sights.
Landscape
The Grand Canyon isn't really that grand. It's just a 70 million-year-old hole in the ground — not much to see here, only one of the Seven Wonders of the World. I mean, they've never even found dinosaur bones there.
Education
Arizona doesn't have a lot to offer when it comes to higher education. ASU and UofA are only two of the eleven four-year state universities, and none of the students ever have any fun there. NAU, another university in Flagstaff, has too much snow and skiing to provide a real quality education.
Location
Location is everything when looking for a place to live. With Las Vegas 6 hours away, Disneyland 5 hours, Mexico just 4 hours away, and an array of beaches just as close — we get pretty bored around here.
Driver's License
The wait is longer in Arizona than anywhere else in the country. You will literally turn gray just waiting for your license to expire so you can update your DL photo. Our licenses don't expire until you do.
Online Forms
One of the most exciting things about online forms is scrolling through the drop-down menus. But when you live in Arizona, you don't get to scroll through the whole thing to find your state — sadly, Arizona is right at the top.
Daylight Savings
We're outlaws here. You know Daylight Savings Time? Arizona said screw it. We decide what time it is here, not you Benjamin Franklin!
Shade
Most parking lots have a shady spot or two, but they are coveted like the Holy Grail. If you're fortunate enough to get one without causing a large-scale Shade Rage incident, then you're one of the lucky few.
Gloves
Arizona is the only place on Earth where you don't need gloves in the winter, but you do need a heavy-duty pair in the summer. If you haven't mastered the art of knee driving, make sure you grab a pair of thick gloves — or even potholders — before you move in. Steering wheel burns account for 98% of hospital visits every summer.
Cell Biology
Living here will ruin you for anywhere else. When you move to the Arizona desert, the cells in your body begin to mutate and transform until they have converted to "desert cells." Once the metamorphosis is complete, any time the temperature gets below 80 degrees you will begin to shiver, and your teeth will start to clatter. If not treated immediately, it could result in frostbite.
Christmas
When Santa sticks his fat white ass down that chimney each year he finds the jolly bunch of assholes since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f***ing Kaye. And so he should, since Irving Berlin wrote White Christmas while staying at the Biltmore.
Paparazzi
Arizona is swarming with movie stars. Many famous films such as Psycho, Jerry Maguire, Casablanca, Planet of the Apes, Star Wars, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Indiana Jones, Wayne's World, The Three Amigos, more John Wayne movies than you can shake a stick at, and hundreds more were filmed here.
Outlaws
As I said, we're outlaws — like our forefathers Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo. But I guess that means we also get Wyatt Earp too.
FAQs
Please stay in California or Texas. Arizona is very hot in the summer, the winds blow dust from the dry arid open lands which will cause allergies and Desert fever and we are running low on water. Stay in LA or Dallas.
These comments are ridiculous and biased.
😉 Thanks, I’m glad to read this! So enlightening to read about the cons of AZ. (wink wink)
Thanks for the laughs.
I lived there while in grade school…nowhere else compares…
Missin you ARIZONA !!!!