WHEN A DIY CLEANUP SOLUTION GOES BAD
As Dave dreamt the peaceful dreams of the naive and ignorant, he was blessed by a vision:
... he could see his girlfriend's father, Frank, walking through his home. Frank makes his way to the kitchen, he circles the room scowling at its contents… the vision jumps. Now Jill is in the kitchen with her father. “Look around you, Jill. We’re at the threshold of hell. These cabinets are made of cardboard; laminate countertops? Is this a high school bathroom? And cats? You know cats are the minions of Satan.”
Dave sprung from his nightmare, sweating, barely able to breathe. Soon he was planning to ask his girlfriend's father for his blessing. The man was understandably intimidating. He didn’t like sloppiness, he felt it was akin to laziness. He didn’t like extravagance; it was evidence of an undisciplined mind. And he hated cats, because, well they’re cats.
Dave knew this dream was a sign. He had to get a few things in order before Jill’s father came to visit next month.
His checklist looked like this:
The cats were a problem thanks, to his hippy neighbor -- who always left food out -- the streets were overrun with them. Dave fought the good fight though, but his spring action BB gun just isn’t enough to keep them away; now his flower bed is a full on shit box.
Always the careful planner Dave figures if he starts right away he can be finished just in time to take Jill away for the weekend before Pop arrives.
Foolish Dave picks up a bagster to load up his rubble.
He sets up the tarp bowl as instructed then begins to fill it with the cat litter flower bed. Being careful not to exceed the ten-inch maximum dirt allowance. Somehow, he doesn't think WM will distinguish between dirt and cat stool.
Next, Dave begins demolition in the kitchen. He hauls out load after load of tile and laminate until all that is left is the circa 1970 cabinets. Large and difficult to maneuver he finally reaches his bagster.
Despite his many years as a Tetris champion, he can’t get them to fit. The tarp trap is already too full. Naturally, Dave sets the cabinets on fire and deposits their ashes in the bagster.
Things have progressed smoothly for Dave. His kitchen is finished, the stray cat outhouse is now occupied with new sharp rocks.
This weekend Dave and his girlfriend are planning a little getaway before Frank arrives on Sunday.
The important day he has waited for is almost here. All that's left to do is schedule his bagster pick up and get a haircut.
Hair freshly trimmed Dave can enjoy the long weekend knowing WM will pick up the bag on Friday. The happy couple enjoys a romantic weekend away. Champagne, hot tubs, and diamonds.
Vacation's going great. Things between Dave and his girl couldn't get any better –they decide to tie the knot. Dave couldn't be happier.
Little does Dave know, back home, things have taken a turn for the worse.
Realizing Dave has left town his neighbor throws a loud party. Guest park up and down the block including in front of Dave’s house. WM does little more than a drive by when they see the cars in the street. They don't even try to pick up the bag, they do charge Dave for driving by, however.
He also just received a fine from his HOA for leaving out his bulk trash.
Saturday proved an even better day for Dave, blissfully ignorant of the happenings at home, he and Jill enjoy the beautiful snowfall in the mountains. That snow turned to rain as the storm reached the Valley and fills Dave's tarp bowl with water. The sides, structurally unsound, give out forcing the contents up and over the edges like a fat man's belly over his pants. The poo and ash sludge spread out from there like waste from a nitroglycerin plant. The neighborhood cats, attracted by the scent of feces, has founded a new cat city called Bagster.
Still blissfully unaware, Dave drives home with Jill, just in time to pick Frank up from the airport. Eager to show off his new kitchen and prove his ability to provide for a family, he heads straight home. But alas he cannot pull into the drive. The bagster has all but exploded, covering the entire driveway. Pieces of debris litter the ground all the way out into the street. Sludge has stained the concrete and there are not enough BBs in the metropolitan area to chase off the horde of cats. The stench of Frank's disapproval is only overshadowed by the odor of cat urine.
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