IKEA in Glendale: Prepare for Assembling, Cursing, and Touch Up on Your Swedish...
UPDATE 2/25/20: Ikea's no longer coming to town. Plans have been canceled. But this post was just too much fun to take down; so enjoy what could have been.
Turn on your Milf, grab a Sensuell and warm up some Godis Skum, because meatball consumption is poised to skyrocket in Glendale.
As Glendale prepares for the Swedish Invasion, many in Cleveland worry they’ll never get an IKEA. Apparently, all that growth from the stadium and Westgate means good business for the world's leader in home furnishings. Since making a World Series appearance can’t compensate for a 1-15 NFL record, the good people of Cleveland will just have to wait.
What Did You Call Me?
Although the new store will be IKEA’s 45th store in the U.S, they’re still labeling everything in Swedish. What the hell’s a Fyrkantig or a Flardfull? Did Dr. Suess come up with these names? Guess what? They’re both candles.
FARTYG – some type of water vessel
Better understood as: "Hey, can you believe he came over here and just stunk the joint up with his Fartyg?".
FLÄRDFULL – vain
Better understood as: "You're so Flardfull, you probably think this song is about you".
SMADAL – a village in Sweden
Better understood as: we have no idea here; not sure what a small village in Sweden has to do with a desk anyway.
Here’s a little test, can you guess which of these are Dr. Suess words and which ones are IKEA products?
Wrong, they’re all Dr. Suess words.
Benefits for Glendale
The economic growth in Glendale will be reciprocal, not only will IKEA employ over 500 people to build their 348,000 square foot Pac Man Maze but once it’s built they’ll hire over 300 Wayfinders, I mean employees. Let’s face it they should just hand out compasses at the door.
While Cleveland suffers the woes of IKEA-less shopping Phoenicians will get their pick of two locations. That's double the opportunity to do half the work yourself.
Building IKEA style
The endless stream of “That's what she said” can’t compensate for the time spent building and rebuilding your bookshelf. Feeling like a Dombas while putting your wardrobe together is a natural progression of your IKEA experience.
Five things that go through my mind when assembling IKEA furniture:
1. We're missing a peice
2. We have pieces leftover
3. What the hell material is this, is it even wood?
4. Fn, Swedish Mo743r#$%@*%$!!
5.Damn it! It's upside-down!
If you are handy with the tools and a bit bright in the head, you should think about standing outside IKEA and selling your services. $20 an hour to put together whatever some fool bought. Totally worth it. Ultimately, as a Glendale junk removal company we will benefit from all the furniture in Glendale that will eventually be disposed of (sooner than later).
Navigating the madness
It might be worth an extra $20 to hire someone to do your shopping for you. IKEA prides itself on being a place “Where Life Happens” but we’re pretty sure it's just a place “Where Relationships go to Die.”
Experiencing IKEA with your wife is like going to your In-laws house. It has to be done, but you know a fight is inevitable. Making it through the whole maze with your relationship intact is the true test of any marriage.
I love IKEA as much as the next guy; I also hate it as much as the next guy.
I’m leary of the “low price because you have to put it together” shtick. I feel likes it's a Swedish mind trick. Wasting or spending your time building a bookshelf from a kit doesn't necessarily mean your bookshelf is better than one you can pick up at Ashley. Just think about it. [IKEA effect]
The store might be an unsolvable maze stocked by Dr. Suess' imagination, but every trip to IKEA is a success when you can get your hands on some warm salty balls. Swedish Meatballs from the IKEA restaurant can't be beat. Those hot juicy balls might just be worth all the hassle.